escaping from the stresses of college.

Why is it that at throughout our lives we hit "highs and low". there are periods in your life where your completely motivated to achieve your aspirations, but there are also periods where getting out of bed and putting pants on is your greatest struggle. I used to get up everyday and do my hair, dress up, and make breakfast all before school. Now I cant find the motivation to get out of bed before 7:20, and when I do get out of bed sweat pants are the way to go, and I've cut my hair short enough that I dont have to do anything to it anymore.

When starting this semester I was all excited for a new chapter of my life. Keeping up on homework before was no problem, making sure I paid attention in class every day and wrote in class notes, and even studying was not nearly as hard as it is now. There are days where I have no drive and literally just lay in bed just pondering life and where I'm going within it.

Every little thing can so easily transformed into a escape from the real world. Facebook, window shopping, and believe it or not reading. I have always used Facebook as the "I'll start my assignment after I update my status" but it never ends up working that way. You end up burning through a good hour and a half mindlessly trolling and lurking on people's Facebook pages. Being a broke college student who at one time practiced the art of "retail therapy" now having no money all the time I've resorted to window shopping ( and the occasional thrift shop binge). Even reading online articles on www.stumbleupon.com is a scapegoat for my homework. stumbling upon random articles from owls to mens health makes me feel more productive than doing my school work.

I hope this is just a rut that I'm in that others have experienced at some point in time. Everybody finds some form of sick and twisted relief knowing someone else struggles with the same issues.

Mothers

Our mothers have taken on many roles as we grow up from being the doctor who fixes our scratches and bruises,  the chef that made our mac n cheese, our counselors who gives us advice, and our teacher who taught us right from wrong. This being said every mother dies just a little inside just thinking of the day their child moves out.

The goal is for me to move out of my house and be in my own place as of next July, this being said my mother and I have been slowly shopping for things I'm going to need around the house such as silverware, chairs, a couch, ect. When I made the first appointment for an apartment showing she started crying over the phone when I told her the date. She said that this is going to be really hard for her and it wont get any easier as the days slowly dwindle. Guilt ridden and stressed its really hard for me to find enjoyment in thrift shopping with my mother, with every piece purchased I can see my mother sink into herself just a little more. With every swipe across the check out she know's I'm one step further away from leaving the nest. 

Even though the move out day is over half a year away she is already to the point of every time I give her a hug she gets teary eyed and overwhelmed with the sniffles, probably doesn't help that my older sister is starting to go through the process of being on her own. I can only imagine it being one thing for a mother to give one child the little push they need to fly out of the nest, but both children wanting to fly the coop on their own around the exact same time.....talk about abandonment. If it was up to my mother she would rather "us two live with her until she dies". Which I think would hold in court as a plead for insanity if my sister or I ever went off the deep end. 

Being adopted I can only imagine it must be that much harder for my mother than a normal mother. She tried to have children but found out she couldn't. She didn't give up and was determined to have children; biological or not. Flew all the way to Romania and back, twice! went through all the legal banter of becoming an adopted mother. Taught us to speak English, took us to our first day of school, molded us as we grew and developed, sat their and cried at our graduations, and now taking the back seat as we take off starting our own lives.

For this I say thank you mom, biological or not; I couldn't wish for a better mother. 

Black Friday

Being from a family that is not the stereotypical Sheboygan county German, my family has views and opinions that tend not to be normal. We love our raw beef and onion sandwiches, we have a pair of wooden clogs that have been passed down the family tree, and yes my grandparents have the little dutch boy and girl kissing in front of a wooden windmill in the backyard. 

My family has always been very cheap, to the point where ever gathering is a pot luck. Even when one of my uncles was out of a job everyone thought they were really doing their part........by bringing something for him to the pot luck. This just to give you an idea of how important money is to these people. Black Friday? All I have to say is 4 words "get the war paint" these people will go H.A.M (hard as a mother......) for anything 25% off or more. My grandmother in her 70's was right there with the crowd of people standing out in the cold, ready to beat someone like a red headed step child over a 2 for $6 1lb of yarn deal at Joan Fabrics. 

All seriousness aside I always give my family crap that even though I may be thrifty and know how to pinch a penny, does not mean I'm crazy like they are. I have a theory that being dutch is not a taught lifestyle its genetic. I'm adopted and I've been submersed in Dutch customs and lifestyle, but I still manage to know when its safe to slurg and to be honest I dont have "hungry eyes" when I'm looking through the day after thanksgiving shopping. 

to soon for Christmas decorations?

The tree's are almost done doing their fall duty of creating a colorful blanket for the ground, the thermometers are getting low, and the ticking of gas stoves means a nice chocolaty treat. With Thanksgiving getting closer and closer by the minute people are bracing themselves for harsh impact of Wisconsin's unforgiving winters. 

Just yesterday my mom asked me if I would be home tomorrow to help with some of the family's traditional inside Christmas decorations. I asked her "don't you think its a little soon to be putting stuff up already"? all she had to say was "its not everything"......that doesn't mean much in our house. If there is a surface area large enough for garland to be taped, draped, or stapled; its going to happen. Why my mother wanted to put up the large 5 foot by 3 foot "Christmas village" up before thanksgiving is beyond me. her defense was "if I put this up before Thanksgiving I'll have a head start on Christmas" when exactly is she going to stop and enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday if she is already preparing herself for Christmas before the turkey has even been cut?

After making the mistake once my father never put the Christmas lights up after Thanksgiving. After watching that poor man struggle attaching the lights to the house in the middle of a snow storm, I cant blame him for doing it over a month in advance; I learned a lesson just watching him remove the miniature icicles from his beard. 

Thanksgiving was never given a true fighting chance. "Black Friday" alone casts a large shadow on Thanksgiving. Some people are outside waiting days in advance and miss their thanksgiving just to get the latest gadgets and gizmos, I know my mom is hunting online through all the insightful websites while she stuffing the holiday bird. 

To me personally I really never had any form of "Thanksgiving spirit" because everyone around me was so concentrated on making Christmas memorable before Thanksgiving even happened! Maybe we should all slow down and enjoy each holiday as they come, so stop trying to untangle your Christmas lights, stop setting up your nativity scenes, and yes for you Christmas extremists like my mother stop setting up your to scale Christmas villages before thanksgiving even roles around. 

Lifes a bitch...then you marry one...then you die.....but I cant get married...So I just die

As I'm sitting next to my ever so sexy friend Sierra, we look at each other and have to ask ourselves......whats wrong with us? Neither one of us have ever had a serious relationship, why you may ask? Were still trying to figure that out; we'll get back to you when have the answer. Now the point of this blog is not to sit here and preach about the sadness that is our love life's, but to hopefully by typing and reading this out loud we can answer our own problems in the form of creative writing.

I've been out of the closet for the last 3 years already and romance just isn't my thing. The opportunity has presented itself in the past but I never acted on it. I know I have commitment issues and its probably rooted in the fact that I was abandoned as a baby and orphaned until I was 3.I've Found something wrong with every guy that has presented themselves to me, some with actual deal breaking characteristics and some just for superficial shallow characteristics. Making ever knight in shining armor into a idiot in tin foil.

Being single isn't all that bad either. How some people bitch and complain 24/7 about not having boyfriend/girlfriend is the phase before the horses of Armageddon start prancing in. Clearly I've lived the last almost 19 years without somebody in my life and I'm still breathing you yourself shall carry on. Besides you can always be "looking at the merchandise", Window shopping, or just sit there and listen to your friends complain about the heartache that goes along with having a relationship.

whoroween

Growing up Halloween was always my favorite Holiday and I just loved the idea of dressing up. Now that I'm 18 I'm at that awkward phase, I'm to old to go trick or treating, but I'm to young to go to the adult Halloween parties. Plus the fact that I had a night class from 5:30-8....It was like there was no Halloween at all for me. 

I've seen my fair share of skimpy revealing Halloween costumes and I approve. I will own up to dressing like a play boy bunny and wear just enough not to show the whole show but just enough that it always feels like there is a "draft", so why would I pass any judgment on other people who do the same. I say if you want to walk around wearing nothing, shaking like you have Parkinson's disease your so cold with nipples so hard you could cut glass....why not? Any other day of the year you would be called a whore but Halloween its socially acceptable

My personal favorite is the people that mentally and emotionally scar you with costumes of Disney movie characters you grew up with. Now I don't know about you but when I was watching Minnie on tv she never had a garter belt on. Jasmine never walked around saying "I'll rub your lamp for a snickers", and Sleeping beauty was not a walking date rape joke. 

seasons

Being a Wisconsinite I have been spoiled by the idea of four seasons. My mom's best friend moved down to Arizona two years ago from Wisconsin. Her children will telling me how much they missed all the seasons and how Christmas really didn't feel like Christmas without the snow. After they showed me the depressing picture of their attempt of a Christmas tree cactus, I had to imagine what a snow less holiday season would be like.Try harder to even imagine a Halloween or Thanksgiving without leaves changing colors and creating big colorful blankets on the grass.

Thinking back on my childhood holidays the environment and aroma's are what come to my mind first. Racking leaves for the neighbors for a little extra cash, the cold breeze in my face with my wind burned nose, the fog steaming up your glasses whenever I got inside, and that initial burning of your tongue and throat from drinking my hot cocoa to early. Even with winter having snow ball fights with the neighbors and sledding down their what seemed to have been massive at the time hill, my entire face being flush red, my hands being frozen even though I was wearing gloves because somehow snow always managed to get inside them.

I can't imagine spending the holidays anywhere but my home...Wisconsin, just trying to imagine how my family friend's kid's celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years without all the seasons that tag along respectively...it honestly saddens me. I personally believe kids need to experience wearing their coats under their Halloween costume because it gets so cold at night, or having a snowball fight, or watch the first snow fall, or the the breath taking view of the fall foliage. Can you imagine the magic of the seasons without all of  mother nature throwing you for a curve every step of the way?

Communication

I'm starting to realize the gap between people when they communicate through texting vs. on the phone or in person. I've had fights start because people miss interpreted texts or not even having a place to sleep all because of the brick wall we run into when we text. Thing that really kills me is the fact that we even take on a alias when we text, we have enough time to actually think about our response is going to be....does this lead to awkward face to face conversations?

Sexuality

As I was sitting on Facebook basically playing therapist while my friend just sits there and vents to me about his sexual struggles I thought to myself......what cause's a person to have this mind set? I'm not one to knock other peoples religions but no matter what religion you grow up with in your life it does play a role in your moral values an outlook on life does it not?

"I'm no longer attracted to either gender much, but I am having strong romantic attractions for women, and no attractions for men" this coming from the guy that just last week was telling me what he thinks are the perfect characteristics for his future male lover to have. I know his parents are deeply religious and when he came out to them they sent him to years of counseling to hopefully "cure" him, but if all those years of therapy didn't change his sexuality then; why is it changed now? Could he just be searching for acceptance from his family? or possibly feel that if he remains gay God wont love him? 

Then he continues to go on with that there is no correlation between sexual attraction and emotional attraction, "if you can find the emotional attraction in a person which gender they are does not matter"....this is where he looses me. Now I have a few girlfriends they will change in front of me give me a kiss on the cheek but you don't see me getting aroused by them just because I was emotionally attracted to them in the first place which made us friends. Personally what goes on in your head and in your pants are two way different things....(I'd be very interested to hear a counter arguement)

Now I can happily say I have never been raped or molested by either one of my parents and that I also have a good relationship with my parent of the same sex. So as he sits here telling me that all gays are gay because of these reasons I'm thinking to myself.....well I was never touched by someone at a young age and my dad and I get along great.......where to I tie in? "well they just have not found God".......well what about the gay's that don't believe in God? 

Situations like this really makes me wonder how much does the perspective of homosexuals really have to do with "nature vs nurture". Are we born gay/lesbian or are we taught or forced into being gay/lesbian? my personal theory/ quote is "sexuality isn't just black and white, there are more shades of gray then there are black or white"

Staying home for college

I'm not sure about all of you, but growing up I always saw movies of people turning 18, graduating, then driving off in their car full of their belongings while there parents waved them goodbye in the driveway watching their child go off to college. The sad reality of it is college is so expensive that a good portion of us stay at home in hopes to avoid the ramen and mac n cheese diet for just a little longer. But how much more are you really giving up?

Sure we all have heard of the freshman 15 and its a curse that strikes most freshman that do not stay at home, it pretty easy not to care about what you eat when you don't have your mother cooking your meals anymore. But at the same time those kids that went off to college get to experience the independence of grocery shopping and deciding what exactly makes it into the cart. Of course all the easy cheap food is filled with a bunch of carbs and trans fats (but who isn't to say that the drinking doesn't have anything to do with their weight either)?

I personally think the biggest sacrifice every college freshman that stays at home is making is their independence. A good share of us all have visited our friends since they have left for college and its almost like they are rubbing it in our faces with their long nights out, not having to be told to do this or do that, or not having to worry about coming home late and waiting for the interrogation from the parents. meanwhile us kids that stay at home are still coming home at 12  or else we  hear "as long as you live under our roof you follow our rules" but hey I keep telling myself....all the money I'm saving on room/board, tuition, and late night fun is totally worth it.

Between the late nights partying, the independence of living on your own, and all the little perks that go along with living in a dorm; you have to ask yourself......is it really worth that much money? I personally think sucking up 1 year and staying at home gives you enough drive and motivation to get you out of there (and do it successfully I might add) that when your off on your own your just that more well rounded for the true college experience.

Cosmic jokes of life

Karma or Religion? Believing in karma is as relevant as believing in religion. Trusting in whatever cosmic force at hand to guide our lives for us is as believable as whatever cosmic force at hand to decide "that's bad, now something bad is going to happen to you".

Karma is a Indian concept of every good or bad action we take pays us back in full, whether we like it or not. Religion does not seem to far detached from Karma, could it be possible that whatever force at hand has a list of moral's that we as the little ones beneath them must follow; in doing so we are either punished or rewarded?

Coincidence could also be a counter argue to the idea of Karma, is it possible that you could be just having that terrible of a day or something bad happens to you by some freak accident? Example: My best friend and I are walking down this little tiny path, this said we are walking really close because we have no other option. This kid that we went to school happens to bike past us and makes a smart remark about us being a item, when clearly he knows I'm openly gay. Literally seconds after having said this he falls face first on the concrete smashing his glasses and giving himself a couple nice scrapes and scratches.....karma or coincidence?

Another idea to throw out there would possibly be, does whatever force at hand just have a sense of humor and enjoys watching people squirm? Putting a girl in a room full of attractive men...and not a single of them is interested in her or her sex? Karma, coincidence, or just a sense of humor? Someone saying they are not vain and superficial when it comes to facial appearance....then a person who is "large and in-charge" shows interest in them and they cannot bring themselves to be with them.....Karma, coincidence, or just a sense of humor?

This being said is there any other theories or idea's you can think of to explain the logic behind why good or bad things happen to good or bad people?